Moving towards DAWN...a Beginning

I searched here and there. I looked over the horizon to the melting blue of the sky. What does my heart searches for? I think it searches `YOU’. The presence of YOU is so important that it doesn’t matter who is there or who will not be there. I miss you Dad.

 

Suddenly I am lost again and find no meaning to any act that is going around me again and again. I see you in dreams, innumerable time. But my dream seems to end as I open my eyes to find you. Why is it I am just desperate to get you and still find myself lost again and again?

I drift from the shore to find you and then I rise again to fight back that monstrous past and it seems to be so huge that I stand as tiny fellow in front of it.

But if I really feel that I need to fight him back and stare at that big demon that tries to hold me. It wrenches me and just blows me off to distance away from my immigration.

I was haunted by the black, huge hands that rose to melt me and crumble me down into that gruffness that made me stiff. I felt my neck getting stiffened as he gasped me so hard that I could even not breathe. He clenched my throat and just pinned me down.

I was pressurized by the fluttering birds whose chirps made me realize that I am still alive. I could not even breathe but I knew somewhere that I was still breathing. A hope in disguise of the air melt in my breathe as I tried to stand back and fight them.

I saw some familiar faces. They were not of my family though. My whole family was moaning except the three people who looked at me in despair. They wanted to help me but just couldn’t think how they can help me. Even my pals were standing at far. I couldn’t read their expression.

I was getting tired as I could feel that the expectations were rising high and even there was mocking audience who did nothing except jeering at me in disgust. As I was getting more and more exhausted, the more proud the demon looked. He looked and laughed at me. I was lost.

Suddenly I saw a tiny, thin boy coming towards me. He stood close by and watched me with tearful eyes. Those eyes did nothing but beckoned me to fight back that demon of past. I tried to raise my hand to pound him back. But it was all in vain.

He lifted me up and threw me on the sands with more force. I tried to feel the sand but I felt my head dizzying off and it felt heavy, very heavy. I cried loud out of pain. I found the little boy still standing for me.

I couldn’t even lift my head to see the black living thing moving around me. I felt the pains & strains all over my body. As I was about to get senseless, I heard a frail voices from far off. It was coming from another fat girl and a boy with specs shouted the most along with the feeble fellow.

I thought, “Was they cheering at me?” or “Are they jeering at me?”

Some kind of magical effect happened. I could not feel the pains. I felt to fight back again. I felt those were some cheers that were only for ME. The monster of past have pinned me down. I decided to rise back and fight.

I threw a handful of sand on his face. I struck him hard on his face. He lost his sight for few minutes & his nose started bleeding.

He caught me and threw me into the dungeons of past that were dark and cold. I tried to regain my senses. There was a small opening and a beam of light washed my face. I could hear faint voices of the three kids who stood by me. But this time there was a dusky voice that woke me up. I crawled through that opening out in the light again.

I found the owner of the dusky voice was little, fat & dark girl. She was bellowing the most. She even started challenging the giant on my behalf.

Those words, those cheers made me to stand up again. I was prepared to fight back again. I fought with the beast of past. He submerged in the ocean of the tears again and again. I fought back. There was dark and then again the new dawn struck the sand and it turned into golden. The glazing sun and the cheers made me to pull the demon down to feet. I won. I moved on where my dreams awakened.

Darkness drolling in..

Blank darkness in the heart,

But still I manage to move on.

To cuddle you,

To love you and find myself again .

But at times I find myself,

Struck again!

Your memories, thoughts and the voice,

I miss it all.

Have I stood so long?

Everything is lost in the busy memory lane.

Perhaps not, because I never stop,

Missing you!

How often do we car?

Do we even feel to care?

When the things gets strangled,

To make us loose the things.

The things which are always to hold on,

So that we transverse the path,

We travel and reach the position,

That we had not ever been!!

Leave to LIVE...!!

As I grow more and more by the passing days, as I learn more and more by the growing days, I learn not to give up but to hold on. I learn not to get impatient but smile at every hope. I have learnt to stop yearning and rather leaving the desires that conquer my thoughts.

I have learn that performing up to the mark is not important but trying is more important. Dreaming doesn’t mean to fly high but it means to steer the wheels of life towards the dreams.

`What if’, `what if not’ is the ultimate phrase of life which we bind ourselves. The `IF’  factor is so important that we often forget ourselves, our existence.

Often we try to analyse every little thing that happens or every little existence that strikes us to fall back.

Why is it always that we fall back and why it is not that we cannot stand and fight our way out?

Why are we never happy or are happy only at times! As the time moves on, do we also move on? Do we ever recognize the inbuilt or inborn capability we have! Might be we never actually!!

The failures and the little trauma strikes us so hard that we fall not to rise but simply to get lost in the trauma of lonely darkness.

The desires, the expectations, the kindness, the affection and most importantly love are all parts of the life. It seems like a dream when I imagine childhood days coming back as I see those little butterflies fluttering here and there.

The ages have passed but still the colourful butterflies bring a smile to my eyes. The drizzle still makes me to have ice-cream without even the thought of getting the cold.

Now I am an independent person. Not too much of freedom hurts. But does freedom means to be free from all duties and all responsibilities. I think as the freedom strikes back, it becomes difficult to handle ourselves in the midst of so much of darkness around.

The clutches of the deepened wounds are so vivid that as we move on to attain the dreams; we are again haunted back by the past scars.

Why to live for the past or future? Why to live only to breathe? Live to live and leave to live..!!

A ray of HOPE in scattering DARKNESS...

He came up to me and said, “You can be a good speaker” I stood there flabbergasted and thought, “Can I really be so?”

Being a good speaker is very important. I have to speak to the people as my job is such that I am management level of the company. 

I was aware of the fright that stole all the dreams from my eyes when I imagined of conducting Board Meeting in front of the Directors or any other such meetings. I understood that speaking in public forum was not an easy task.

Every single member applauded as He spoke on the podium. It was remarkable indeed not because he was an awesome speaker but a thought kept on running at the back of my mind. I was thinking at what on Earth I had done to get such person as my guide!!

I got him as mentor; guide and I feel that is a kind of remarkable achievement for me. I don’t understand that a person who has every little happiness of life and a lot more scope to earn more; let it be happiness or revenue ,how can he be such a great guide to a novice like me.

I joined Toastmasters, a club for public speaking. I had always been a person who had so much stage fright that it kept me away from the stage. This club was related to public speaking and I owe to my friend who introduced me to this club.

A public forum but it had so much of goodness in it that I decided to join it. The criticisms were made in such way that it helped only to improve and it did not demoralize.

A great friend of mine who always somehow managed to inspire and motivate took me there for a visit. I didn’t expect much help from my friend because I didn’t wanted to be depending on her. But there were again cards from the DESTINY and HE always knows what is good and how the things are to be placed on right path.

What I didn’t know is that my wishes had so much strength that I got nothing but the best. There was a lot of grudge in my heart that here also I will be over ruled by the people and I will be the back bencher. But my journey began with bang.

He came to fore front and simply guided me. Under his guidance I have started growing more and more and have become so organized that rather than dictating things, I have started accepting more.

In fact we had become such good friends that we share a lot. He doesn’t only guide me in playing roles or speeches but simply is helping in recognizing myself. Patience is one of the traits that help in earning toughest goal. But I am still to gain this trait and in midst of all this I am finding my own true self that has a lot of peace in its own self.

My thought process has become so organized that it runs on right track and I don’t need to run behind them to catch them. My thoughts just calms down whenever I am screwed and I can’t manage the things up to the mark.

I am amazed to see the radicle change that is coming in me. I am just awestruck the way things are improving and rather as a person I am improving.

Dealing with my thoughts was the most difficult task that I had. It was tough for me to handle the rejections and dejection. I always ran behind proving myself. But the things are changing now. I have started loving myself and it is just so wonderful. While I have so much positive people around me it is real difficult for the negative forces to strike me back again. Letting go but still holding on is the true faith that someone should have while loving someone.

 

Toastmasters are helping me to revive the true gift of life and that is happiness. Being happy without reason is the most difficult task and I am slowly mastering that art. Being at peace with self is the best thing that life can gift and I have suddenly received from nowhere.

There is always a point a person a place from where it’s important to start afresh. Leave all the old, rotten memoirs and move on to create new and fresh memories. That friend of mine brought the new dawn in my life and I owe to her as I turn to be more positive and innovative.

Life will move on and it will again take me to somewhere new. But one thing is for sure that the Toastmaster episode will be an episode is to be remembered for the years to come and I will owe for my life the people who are encouraging me to BE WHAT I AM.

SHE in midst of my BUSY LIFE..

I have felt those little hands touching me. When I was engrossed in reading my mails, I saw her, that Lilliputian was crawling towards me.

I looked at her. Her little self proudly announced her existence by thumping the hand on the cupboard, beside which she stood.

I was fascinated to see that little thing crouching and looking at me. The little hands have slowly taken the shape of the small hands. She wore a little pink frock with lots of curls around and her eyes were little bright pearls that were transfixed on me.

I looked at my screen and saw that the mail was already again crowded with new mails. I looked at the screen and just put the screen of the laptop down.

A lot of work has already been done for the day. There is no use in working so much; I thought myself. The pink lady stood behind the cupboard still thumping it with her hands. The bangle made the sound louder and it caught my attention more vividly than I have thought.

I put the laptop on the shelf and got down the couch to touch those little fingers, those little feet and the pink dress that adorn her to be more of a princess than a kid.

Slowly I slide down and looked at her charmingly. She had some kind charismatic charm in her. At the back of the mind there came thousands of words drooling down and there were little prayers from my side. I am not much friendly with the kids, please help me , ”O Lord..!!”

With very small steps she tried to travel the space that lay between two of us. Tumbling and stumbling down she came up to me.

I came more close to her slowly and slowly. Her glittering eyes were full of zeal as she saw me coming to her. As I came more and more closer to her I could smell the Johnson cream combined with the Amul milk. It was so ravishing, so natural.

I bend over my knees and tried to be at her height. She lost her balance at time but managed to come to me.

The closeness was such that I could feel the heat of her breath touching my face. I took her on my lap and watched her closely.

Her little fingers were not even half of mine. The little nails seemed to grow so slow that it couldn’t cover the tip of the finger. Her eyes smiled at me. Her little fingers touched my hairs and nose and cheeks. I could feel the warmth that flew from her body to mine.

I could say nothing while she kept smiling at me. Two drops of salted water fell on her little hands. She looked at my eyes. There was a strange softness that caused me to smile at her.

Her drooping eyes smiled again at me. And I felt COMPLETE with her.

Travelling higher without any lead...

The wishes always rise higher than the want. We are never satisfied let how much good the things may be.

There are small wishes which we always ask God to fulfil and slowly as we rise higher, we have more wishes that travel to become the desires.

Desire is just like a deep, dark secret. Our desires rise to touch the blue which is always covered with the fluffy clouds of imagination.

The strings of imagination touches the line of blue and the desires gets de shelved somewhere in between the clouds and the blue.

Desires pave their own path from real life to reel life. It makes our life more complicated and we are often restless while thinking how to achieve our desires rather than concentrating how to fulfil the basic needs of life.

Desires ultimately pamper us and our soul. The more we go on rising higher our wants go on increasing.

Acceptance of what we already have goes on missing in the midst of the thought what we don’t have.

As every individual have different personality, every individual have their own colours of ambition.

Feelings travel and the desires get flamed differently as the time passes by.

Every feeling is a negative or a positive thought. Desires are treated as the negative thoughts since it drags into the closed chambers of the greed which ultimately causes us to lose the thoughts on it.