collectingliquidsunshine: Light of my LIFE

collectingliquidsunshine: Light of my LIFE: We never think of LIGHT – Let it be day or night, the light is always there. It follows from the dawn to morning, afternoon to dusk, even...

Light of my LIFE

We never think of LIGHT – Let it be day or night, the light is always there. It follows from the dawn to morning, afternoon to dusk, evening to night & again from night to dawn…But have you ever felt what would the feelings be when the LIGHT won’t exist? We can’t think of it even in our dreams. We know it’s a gift given by the so called NATURE to us. For me, the same goes on…

There was someone I always looked up in any situation. In a more appropriate manner it can be said HE was with ME in my every mood, every joy, every sorrow, every success, and every failure. HE used to be a part of me in every thought & activity of mine. Suddenly HE was gone. Without whom I couldn’t have imagined my existence, HE was gone. HE is my DAD.

Suddenly some curse fell upon me; I was compelled to be more mature, cleverer & more responsible. I just felt I was out of the track. No one was there to guide me, to compel me; to scold me & most importantly to LOVE ME.I had always been my FATHER`S GIRL.Everyone had sympathy for me & additionally burdened me with all their so called sentimental pressure.

I found no one to rely on. I just looked at my FAMILY (Mom, Sis & Bro) and something was groaning inside me. I don’t wanted people to sympathize me. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to realize the reason behind my groaning pain that I was undergoing . Was it for the loss of DAD or was I afraid of the whole circumstance? I just couldn’t understand. I was so immature!!

Being the eldest what should be done by me; was my first thought. I felt awkward. I have never reflected my life in this way before. I was pushed in darkness by the DESTINY to find the lights for not only myself but the people surrounding me. I felt I was lost.

Practically I started moving on, looking for a job. But in the heart I still stood at the verge of my extinction of my childhood & my childhood moaning at my father`s death. I was the most mature person from there on. I stood at planks of life maintaining the balance between the job, studies, family, relatives & so much other responsibilities. Something in me made me more & more determined & I was fighting every odd to reach my father`s dream – COMPANY SECRETARY.

Ultimately I reached my goal, my destiny. I CLEARED OFF MY FINALS. Was I satisfied? I gave the news of crossing the first milestone to everyone. Still I felt my success to be incomplete. I wanted to shout out my HEART…wanted HIM to know that “YES DAD, I HAVE DONE IT….!! I HAVE DONE IT FOR YOU.”

Stranger to LOVE....

In life sometimes we meet people casually & don’t even understand their importance till time makes us realise. Sometimes in pain of the past we forget the present. The people surrounding us, their thoughts their happiness...nothing matters actually to us. We feel lost in life...we don’t seem to realise our importance.

In such a phase of my life when I was struggling to find my own identity in midst of all odds and all unknown, there was a knock from a stranger. It was the most difficult phase when I was lost in the utter darkness.

Then came someone who was the stranger of my life...whom I have never accompanied in my any feelings, any thoughts. But strangely enough slowly he became someone with whom I can be myself. We turned on to very good friends from so called strangers. Leaving off the tag of strangers we moved forward in something we never aspired to be.

From very good friends to closed friends and it continued. Still my past never left me off. It was always a nightmare. I couldn’t forget those evil days of my so called childhood. It was like my shadow. Before each and everything I was like lost in thoughts of past which made me more complex and perplexed. I complicated everything. The simple thoughts compelled me to think something was wrong though there wasn’t. I grew fed up with myself.

The stranger who was fast becoming my friend...now was slowly occupying my thoughts too. I expected and he expected. I was confused with everything as usual. I had close friends but he was someone with whom I wanted to share my all thoughts, my sorrows, my happiness and every feeling which I had wanted to share -  my past, my present. I was not yet thinking whether I wanted to spend my future with someone like him.

My so called friend was also on some other route which perhaps disturbed his thought process too. He was lost. He was betrayed by someone he thought would be with him for his life. He felt my care in his heart, in his thought. For him I was an indispensable part and for me I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. He thought me as his SHEPARD of his lost LIFE...but for me HE was the RESCUER from my PAST.

I suddenly found that I was more engrossed in him rather than my PAST.As I thought more of HIM it made me more serene. I was happy to be with his thoughts. I couldn’t define my feelings. As usual I was confused. He was more of a person at whom I could shout at; share my anxieties & my depression. Though it may sound strange but my LOVE too. I didn’t want to loose HIM. Let he may be my friend forever since I cannot afford to loose him. A day`s distance seemed to be a year for me.

I suddenly started to adore myself. I could feel the change in me. I wanted to hear an adjective from HIM... BEAUTIFUL...!! It was so awkward for me to accept the fact that I waited for a compliment from someone. I just couldn’t think of anything else except him. I had fallen for me, for my LIFE.