In pangs of Remorse..

The joy, the enthusiasm from her eyes was suddenly gone. There was despair, hopelessness and a hollowness that cause her to drift into sobs.

There was madness; impatience in her eyes which spoke more than her words could have ever spoken. She was silent and there was nothing except a burning pain and an intolerance to admit it.

As she dashed from one corner of the street to other corner of the street in bewilderment, I stood aghast; still thinking how to deal the situation.

I knew no words of sympathy would calm down her weary heart, but still I felt to cling on to her till she has reached her destination.

I was not sure what to do. My mind played a two way game. The thoughts crossed my mind twice faster. Would it be right to walk away from her giving her some space, some loneliness or was it more important to be with her till she is brave enough to handle herself. The two sides of mind went quarelling with each other.

I was already half drenched in the rain. She was crazy little girl who was fighting all the way to reach her home.

No...I stood there with all the mighty force that I had. But her bewilderment caused my nerves to be agonised. She was getting unruly to get a cab.

Irrationally I behaved too. In the heavy shower I suddenly closed my umbrella. But very soon realised that I had a bag with me and it had laptop in it.

I stepped towards her, crossing the road in midst of the heavy traffic. I stopped a cab,” Behala ? Wait..!! ”Well ,I didn’t even know where she had to go.

The rain had come down with more force now. I asked her to calm down. She paid no heed to it. I felt that she haven`t heard it even. She was lost somewhat. She acted in reflex. There was no time for her to think and act. I felt a fool out there.

But, I stood with her. I loved her a lot. It was impossible for me to see the pain that struggled to come out through her eyes. I knew; I knew how it felt. I knew how it felt when someone loses one of the best people of life.

The rain had caused water-logging at places. And the cab driver had the exact opportunity to bargain. But she was in no mood to bargain with the cab driver.”200/- you need? Ok...!”Now please drive to Thakurpukur.

As she struggled to open door of the cab, I opened the other door and was soon in the cab. She sat silently.

“Man Proposes and God Disposes”, the saying goes on well today. We were in a pretty good mood to celebrate her success and now we were sitting in a gloomy mood in a cab that was rushing down to reach her place.

“You get down at a nearby metro station”, she said. Her chiselled voice brought me back from my thoughts. ”I will travel with you and get down at a place near your house.”

Those salty waters have started flowing down her cheeks. I wanted to hold her and simply make her understand that, “Life is all about births and deaths.” But a wise person like her needed no understanding.

She sat still. Her watch sat tightly on her wrist. She strongly held the plastic handle in the cab and sat upright.

I had been with her a lot of times. I had been with her when she felt luckiest, when she was honored, when she was a little kid sobbing, when she was defeated by the awful results and today when she was deserted by one of the closest person.

Her sniffs were hard to be ignored. Her tears kept rolling on. Her joyous kajal-eyes were suddenly drenched in inevitable affliction.

What am I supposed to do? I find myself in odds when I am unable to understand how to react. I started recapitulating. An incident that happened four years back and its shook me so deep that it left me lost and in turmoil of all mental disturbance, I was made to grow to be more calm, more mature and more patient.

I looked at her. I refer her as my friend, my sister and my ultimate confidante. I could do nothing to stop the pain in which her heart was groaning. It seemed she was being strangled to be calm and quiet.

I started packing her things. ”I can do it”, she said. Her motto, “Self-help is the best help” amazed me more. Suddenly she said to the driver, “Stop the cab as you will take the left, Didi will get down”.

As I was getting ready to leave, I asked her, “Will you be fine?”.

“Yes, you go.” she said.

I got down the cab. Slowly I strolled in from one side to the other side of the road. I took an auto and it rushed me down to the nearest metro station.

I ran from the uncanny place. But I couldn’t run away from my thoughts. At the back of the mind the fear, the anxiety, the loss, the tension kept moaning. Why are the incidents sometimes so weird that it becomes difficult to accept the things.

I knew she was brave enough to handle her tears, her grief but what I was thinking that, “Will my little sister be fine? “There was sudden gush of the salty water as I felt the pangs of past clasping me in its dark hands.