Moving towards DAWN...a Beginning

I searched here and there. I looked over the horizon to the melting blue of the sky. What does my heart searches for? I think it searches `YOU’. The presence of YOU is so important that it doesn’t matter who is there or who will not be there. I miss you Dad.

 

Suddenly I am lost again and find no meaning to any act that is going around me again and again. I see you in dreams, innumerable time. But my dream seems to end as I open my eyes to find you. Why is it I am just desperate to get you and still find myself lost again and again?

I drift from the shore to find you and then I rise again to fight back that monstrous past and it seems to be so huge that I stand as tiny fellow in front of it.

But if I really feel that I need to fight him back and stare at that big demon that tries to hold me. It wrenches me and just blows me off to distance away from my immigration.

I was haunted by the black, huge hands that rose to melt me and crumble me down into that gruffness that made me stiff. I felt my neck getting stiffened as he gasped me so hard that I could even not breathe. He clenched my throat and just pinned me down.

I was pressurized by the fluttering birds whose chirps made me realize that I am still alive. I could not even breathe but I knew somewhere that I was still breathing. A hope in disguise of the air melt in my breathe as I tried to stand back and fight them.

I saw some familiar faces. They were not of my family though. My whole family was moaning except the three people who looked at me in despair. They wanted to help me but just couldn’t think how they can help me. Even my pals were standing at far. I couldn’t read their expression.

I was getting tired as I could feel that the expectations were rising high and even there was mocking audience who did nothing except jeering at me in disgust. As I was getting more and more exhausted, the more proud the demon looked. He looked and laughed at me. I was lost.

Suddenly I saw a tiny, thin boy coming towards me. He stood close by and watched me with tearful eyes. Those eyes did nothing but beckoned me to fight back that demon of past. I tried to raise my hand to pound him back. But it was all in vain.

He lifted me up and threw me on the sands with more force. I tried to feel the sand but I felt my head dizzying off and it felt heavy, very heavy. I cried loud out of pain. I found the little boy still standing for me.

I couldn’t even lift my head to see the black living thing moving around me. I felt the pains & strains all over my body. As I was about to get senseless, I heard a frail voices from far off. It was coming from another fat girl and a boy with specs shouted the most along with the feeble fellow.

I thought, “Was they cheering at me?” or “Are they jeering at me?”

Some kind of magical effect happened. I could not feel the pains. I felt to fight back again. I felt those were some cheers that were only for ME. The monster of past have pinned me down. I decided to rise back and fight.

I threw a handful of sand on his face. I struck him hard on his face. He lost his sight for few minutes & his nose started bleeding.

He caught me and threw me into the dungeons of past that were dark and cold. I tried to regain my senses. There was a small opening and a beam of light washed my face. I could hear faint voices of the three kids who stood by me. But this time there was a dusky voice that woke me up. I crawled through that opening out in the light again.

I found the owner of the dusky voice was little, fat & dark girl. She was bellowing the most. She even started challenging the giant on my behalf.

Those words, those cheers made me to stand up again. I was prepared to fight back again. I fought with the beast of past. He submerged in the ocean of the tears again and again. I fought back. There was dark and then again the new dawn struck the sand and it turned into golden. The glazing sun and the cheers made me to pull the demon down to feet. I won. I moved on where my dreams awakened.

Darkness drolling in..

Blank darkness in the heart,

But still I manage to move on.

To cuddle you,

To love you and find myself again .

But at times I find myself,

Struck again!

Your memories, thoughts and the voice,

I miss it all.

Have I stood so long?

Everything is lost in the busy memory lane.

Perhaps not, because I never stop,

Missing you!

How often do we car?

Do we even feel to care?

When the things gets strangled,

To make us loose the things.

The things which are always to hold on,

So that we transverse the path,

We travel and reach the position,

That we had not ever been!!

Leave to LIVE...!!

As I grow more and more by the passing days, as I learn more and more by the growing days, I learn not to give up but to hold on. I learn not to get impatient but smile at every hope. I have learnt to stop yearning and rather leaving the desires that conquer my thoughts.

I have learn that performing up to the mark is not important but trying is more important. Dreaming doesn’t mean to fly high but it means to steer the wheels of life towards the dreams.

`What if’, `what if not’ is the ultimate phrase of life which we bind ourselves. The `IF’  factor is so important that we often forget ourselves, our existence.

Often we try to analyse every little thing that happens or every little existence that strikes us to fall back.

Why is it always that we fall back and why it is not that we cannot stand and fight our way out?

Why are we never happy or are happy only at times! As the time moves on, do we also move on? Do we ever recognize the inbuilt or inborn capability we have! Might be we never actually!!

The failures and the little trauma strikes us so hard that we fall not to rise but simply to get lost in the trauma of lonely darkness.

The desires, the expectations, the kindness, the affection and most importantly love are all parts of the life. It seems like a dream when I imagine childhood days coming back as I see those little butterflies fluttering here and there.

The ages have passed but still the colourful butterflies bring a smile to my eyes. The drizzle still makes me to have ice-cream without even the thought of getting the cold.

Now I am an independent person. Not too much of freedom hurts. But does freedom means to be free from all duties and all responsibilities. I think as the freedom strikes back, it becomes difficult to handle ourselves in the midst of so much of darkness around.

The clutches of the deepened wounds are so vivid that as we move on to attain the dreams; we are again haunted back by the past scars.

Why to live for the past or future? Why to live only to breathe? Live to live and leave to live..!!